In July #WWBB asked for character interviews and the response was amazing! #authorinterviews #bookpromo

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The response so was good I’m extending the ‘character interviews’ until September. So please do get in touch for the questions! But be warned, this is no ordinary interview. I do like to probe… And to start off the process on … Continue reading

WWBB is on a mission to #blog character interviews and I want YOUR protagonist to take part! #authors #indieauthor #interviews #writingcommunity #writers

So, let’s hear it for the protagonist! For the coming autumn months (yeah, sorry, but autumn is on its way), I’ll be supplying interview questions for your CHARACTER to answer. It doesn’t have to be the lead, it could be … Continue reading

Romcom at its craziest, funniest and British-iest and it’s only 99p! #99books #romcom

British romcom at its best! Continue reading

@GoodeAJ and reasons to read her books!

The BORING author interview revisited
with
A. J. Goode

What’s so great about your crap book? (Don’t want the boring details, a couple of lines is suffice!)
It’s a romance novel with sex . . . Because, you know, there are so few of those being self-published every day.

Why that shitty title?
Because I was feeling really pretentious that day and thought it sounded sufficiently artsy-fartsy.


Did you run out of ideas?
Only when writing scenes that needed new positions for sex.

How long did it take you to complete your book (from idea to publication)?
Three years.


If it took over a year to write: Does that mean this book is boringly long and laborious to read?
No, it means I have ADHD and all the focus of a squirrel on crack.


What do you really think about erotica?
 I think erotica is great until the batteries die.  I mean the battery in my Kindle.  Sure.


Amazon

Is it the low of the lows for writers?
No, I respect a writer who can go low . . .


If you didn’t have your book professionally edited: What made you think
you’re so perfect that you didn’t need to pay a professional?

Three years in Nancy Frank’s AP English class.  I still have PTSD and
flashbacks when I see an incorrect gerund or misplaced modifier.



Yawn, so basically you’re the same as all the rest of the authors on
Amazon and you’re the Next Best Thing. I don’t think so. Come on, tell
me why should I spend time reading YOUR book over more well-received
authors?

Because I promise not to call you at home if you leave a bad review.


Is there an author who inspires (perspires) you?

I aspire to be like any author who earns enough to afford erotica and batteries.


Do you think you write better than them?
Some of them.


Is your aim to out-sell them?
Duh.


In the writing world, have you ever regretted anything i.e written your
own review (or written a bad review on a competitor’s novel), argued
on-line, copied someone else’s idea?

I have a sinking feeling I may regret this interview.  Other than that, I
regret posting some really horrendous love poetry on Poetry.com when I
was younger.

But I’m being nice! Sheesh.


What qualifications do you have for writing in your genre?
I’ve been married, so I know about romance.  I’ve given birth, so I
obviously know about sex.  And I’m divorced, so I know about erotica and
batteries.




Many authors use their qualifications to show off their so-called
talents i.e. crime writers are often coppers (police, for the non-Brits
present) and the book becomes boringly technical. How have you managed
to keep your knowledge low key? Or haven’t you bothered?

I have no real knowledge, so it hasn’t been a problem.


If I were to read your book would I have to scroll through lots of
acknowledgements saying how wonderful your book is before I got to the
meat of a story?

 Nope.


What part of the world do you come from?
The part that looks like a really big mitten.
Greenland? Australia? *Runs to search the world map for a mitten!*


What do you think of your government?
I believe in every imaginable conspiracy theory because paranoid maniacs are fun to listen to.


If you were me (you know, perfect) and knew nothing about a person and
you were told to interview them, what’s the one question you would ask?
(answer it).

If you were a tree, what kind would you be?  (Oak, because maples are evil.)
I’m beginning to think you’re slightly kooky…

Do you have any bad habits, or stupid rituals you HAVE to do in order to write?
I do.  My ritual involves dragging my laptop into the deepest,
cobwebbiest, nastiest corner of the house and telling my children that
the monsters there will eat any child who disturbs me.

*Making note to self to try this one*


Thank you A. J. Goode,  it’s been a pleasure.


And that’s the last of the Boring Interviews. Not so boring after all!

@AuthorBorg describes her perfect death

Inge. H. Borg
in her
The Boring Author Revisited!

 

Amazon ~ Smashwords ~ Barnes and Noble

What’s so great about your crap book? (Don’t want the boring
details, a couple of lines is suffice!)

Khamsin, The Devil Wind
of the Nile (Book 1 – Legends of the Winged Scarab), plays out in 3080 BC (yes,
that’s slightly before almost everything). Hence, nobody can call me out on the
facts – if they do, they must be really ancient 
or very learned—in which case they wouldn’t read fiction anyway!

A girl who thinks like me! When can we hang out?

What do you really think about erotica? Is it the low of the lows for writers?
Not necessarily. It
sells, doesn’t it. Very frustrating to those of us who cower alone in our
garret to hammer out “enduring literature,” starving while we do it.


If you didn’t have your book professionally edited: What made you think you’re so perfect that you didn’t need to pay a professional?

Because I seem to be one
of the few people left in America who observes the difference between “to lay”
(an egg), and “to lie” (in bed). Everyone is always “laying” about; even
mattress sales people.

Yawn, so basically you’re the same as all the rest of the authors on Amazon and you’re the Next Best Thing. I don’t think so. Come on, tell me why should I spend time reading YOUR book over more well-received authors?

Because I just slipped
you a free copy – and because you might learn something. Oh, and because you’ll
give me a rave, I mean honest, review!

Yeah, right…


Is there an author who inspires (perspires) you? Do you think you write better than them? Is your aim to out-sell them?
James Clavell and James
Mitchener are two of my favorites– they may be regarded as old-fashioned these
days; but then…(you are not rudely going to ask my age now!)
However, somebody just
said that Book 3 (Cataclysm) is “like Dirk Pitt novel, only better.”

Are you old? I mean really, really old like 40 something? (as my son would’ve said!)

In the writing world, have you ever regretted anything i.e written your own review (or written a bad review on a competitor’s novel), argued on-line, copied someone else’s idea? 

Wow, any one of that would be lower than writing Erotica.

What qualifications do you have for writing in your genre?

A darn good European
education, and an even greater patience to Google facts and the imagination to weave
them into fiction.  Why don’t you check
it out for yourself.

Are you saying I don’t use Google for fact-finding? I’m the OO in Google, Missus!

Many authors use their qualifications to show off their so-called talents i.e. crime writers are often coppers (police, for the non-Brits present) and the book becomes boringly technical. How have you managed to keep your knowledge low key? Or haven’t you bothered?

Even in “good Historical
Fiction,” the action has to outweigh the setting no matter how exotic (a love
triangle, some palace intrigue and the occasional murder always tend to liven
things up).


If I were to read your book would I have to scroll through lots of acknowledgements saying how wonderful your book is before I got to the meat of a story?

No. But I do start each
of my “Legends of the Winged Scarab” with a short evocative (and generally unjustly
maligned) Prologue to set the stage. If you can’t hear the winds (Khamsin and
Sirocco) howl about your ears, and taste the sand between your teeth at that
point, I failed you.

What part of the world do you come from?

Born and educated in
Austria, studied languages in London, Paris and Moscow before winding up in the
southern US (that took care of my former beautiful British accent).

What do you think of your government?

The same as I think of
any government. I’d rather not expound on this here. After all, I do purport to
be a lady.

If your book is set outside England would I understand your jargon? I mean, fanny means lady front parts NOT backside, car hood is a car bonnet–everyone knows that, right? Are British Englishisms/Americanisms/Australianisms etc important in your book? It’s all about identity, isn’t it?

“… fanny means lady
front parts…”
You’re kidding! I didn’t
know that. But then, it took me a year to guess what OMG might mean; I surely
hope I guessed correctly because I have used it a couple of times.

OMG – oh my God? Original Mafia Gangsta?

Why that shitty title?

Are you talking about MY
Khamsin,
The Devil Wind of the Nile
? The one who was just short-listed for the
2014 Indie Historical Fiction Award of the Historical Novel Society to be doled
out in London in September? I am crushed. Just wait ‘til I turn the Curse of
the Mummy on you and suffocate you with a mouthful of desert sand.


Did you run out of ideas?

You mean, as far as a
title is concerned? Not for the first two ‘windy” books; for Book 3, however, I
had to blow up a Supervolcano. Now, I am out of ideas.

If you were me (you know, perfect) and knew nothing about a person and you were told to interview them, what’s the one question you would ask? (answer it).

“I am working on it.”

How long did it take you to complete your book (from idea to publication)?

There you go again,
trying to figure out how old I might be. Let me just say, when I started, my
computer didn’t have a hard drive but I used large floppies for the program itself
as well as the documents (yes, those big black things now on display at the
HP/Compaq Museum).
When I began I had an Olivetti typewriter! The floppies came later for me. I still have them, in fact. Can’t bear to throw them away.

If it took under a year to write: It didn’t take you long to write so does that mean it is poorly researched, edited and written on a whim?

Try 20 years of writing,
querying, gathering dust in a drawer. Happy now?

Wow, you’re OLD!

If it took over a year to write: Does that mean this book is boringly long and laborious to read?

It was! But I slashed 100,000 words
(gosh, the money I could have made turning those lost words into …something).

Do you have any bad habits, or stupid rituals you HAVE to do in order to write?

I am not sure if it’s a
stupid ritual or even a bad one. But daily turning on the computer usually
precedes furious keyboard-pounding.


Authors are usually labelled as ‘dreamers’ and ‘loners’. Have you been labelled as such? And what implications do you think that has on a writer?

Call it what you will,
but extroverts who “talk, talk, talk” usually don’t have time (nor the patience
or intellect) to write it all down.

Love that answer!

What do you think of social media (pick one answer):
1. Somewhere to advertise my book.
2. Somewhere to interact with other writers.
3. Somewhere to find information.
4. All of the above.

Number four in small
doses. On the whole, it’s a bloody time-suck with everyone mostly crowing about
themselves.

Does ‘being a writer’ make you feel like an outsider with normal, everyday people such as your family and friends?

Not unless they
are “laying on the couch,” ignoring the past participle. “Oh, my,” some might
gush, “I should have went there. Then I could have did this…” That’s
when I become the ear-holding outsider. On the whole though, my friends see me
as exasperatingly normal.

Describe your perfect death (in case I have to kill you)?
Ah, now your reveal your
true colors!Please, I’d like not to
be found naked; or on top or under something (or someone) scandalous.
Just give me a glass of
wine, dribble the content of a few pills into it, and wait (you can sing or hum
if you want). Luckily, you won’t have to look for my teeth because I still have
all of mine. Just run a brush through my hair and pull my lips into a smile as
I slip deeper into oblivion. You can do that much for me, can’t you? After all
I did for you, telling you those secrets.

“Don’t touch that wine!
Didn’t I just tell you about the pills! Some people never listen.” Oh my, too
late. Sorry kiddo, I guess it wasn’t my time after all.

Give me the a) first, b) middle and c) end line in your trilogy.

Book 1 (Khamsin,
the Devil Wind of The Nile)
a)   
“Rih al Khamsin!” It was an eerie howl, rather than a cry. It
multiplied and it traveled fast.
      b)  Maceheads thudded against
human anvils to mingle with the last wails of                  the
mortally wounded, the blasphemies of the defeated.
      c) “Remember,
the end is but a new beginning for the eternal Ba.”

Book 2 (Sirocco,
Storm over Land and Sea)
a)   
“Trexa! Sorokos!” Barely, the fishermen pull their boats onto
shore when the wind arrives all in a rush, malevolent and laden with Libyan
Desert sand.
b)   
“Mayday! Mayday! Can anyone hear me?”
c)   
At last, the tortured planet exhales. Tomorrow has become today.

Book 3 (After
the Cataclysm)
a)   
At first, it feels as if the world needed to relieve itself of an
irksome burden.
b)   
“Fuck the Germans.” Lorenzo glanced at Naunet. “Pardon me, my
dear, I didn’t mean to offend you.
c)   
Not until then shall we both find eternal peace.

If this is all too exasperatingly
long and literary, and boring, you can always grab a free copy of Edward, Con Extraordinaire. But a
word of caution: That scoundrel has wormed his way into Book 2 and 3 somehow
(where he is no longer quite so charming). Oh, he also has a cameo appearance
as a bad memory in “Shadow Love.” Really, I must do something about that guy!



Whaa-at? Time already? Yawns. Oh, you’re still waffling, er, talking. I meant talking.

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Robert George Pottorff braves the Boring Author Interview to discuss his many books

Boring Author Interview Revisited

Time Bow | Robert George Pottorffs’ Army of Sol
Blizzard: Origin | Blizzard Spread

What’s so great about your crap book? (Don’t want the boring details, a couple of lines is suffice!)
I speak to your children whom you won’t claim, (But know are yours) and I teach them how to react to the world around you in a cool manner.

I’ve four brats delightful children and however many times I try and tell them it’s time they got jobs and moved out they just giggle and say, Mummy, we’re only little. Sheesh.

What do you really think about erotica? Is it the low of the lows for writers?
Erotica fills a need for people who never get any erotica in their own lives, and has an historic place in human history right alongside the caveman’ club.

If you didn’t have your book professionally edited: What made you think you’re so perfect that you didn’t need to pay a professional?  
Most people today don’t read beyond close captions. So long as it looks right, it will scroll off the screen before they notice any errors.
Oh wow, I don’t think so. Hope not anyway! That’s saying most people are illiterate.

Yawn, so basically you’re the same as all the rest of the authors on Amazon and you’re the Next Best Thing. I don’t think so. Come on, tell me why should I spend time reading YOUR book over more well-received authors?  
Unlike some publishers; I do not follow the hundred-year rule, and leave outdated behaviors in my tales, many behaviors are timeless, and I choose which I keep..

Is there an author who inspires (perspires) you?

I am who I aspire to be. 
Good answer!

Do you think you write better than them?
Story telling has come a long way from scratching out tales with chicken feathers dabbing in a smug pot. It isn’t a matter of ‘be better’, it is a matter of ‘be relevant’. Writers of every era address issues of their surroundings, and so do I.

Is your aim to out-sell them?
Wouldn’t that be nice? Many past writers never received pay more than cents per word, nor sold outside their own areas.

In the writing world, have you ever regretted anything i.e written your own review (or written a bad review on a competitor’s novel), argued on-line, copied someone else’s idea?
No. Some ideals are not possessions of those who claim them; they are as timeless as man himself is. 
 
What qualifications do you have for writing in your genre?

My qualification is I don’t normally get caught telling lies, and those few times I have; they simply threw up their hand with no way to refute my assertions, and walk away. I love my writings, and have fun creating these stories. Enjoyment is the standard of entertainment.

Many authors use their qualifications to show off their so-called talents i.e. crime writers are often coppers (police, for the non-Brits present) and the book becomes boringly technical. How have you managed to keep your knowledge low key? Or haven’t you bothered?
Common knowledge isn’t always common; twisted truths woven in the text often mislead the reader to believe larger lies in the stories in spite of knowing from experiences.
You sound like a very deep person. Can you hear me from down there? Helllooooo…

If I were to read your book would I have to scroll through lots of acknowledgements saying how wonderful your book is before I got to the meat of a story?
No, however, you would have to read it to arrive to a decision concerning if you like it or not.
Well, doh!

What part of the world do you come from?
The United States of PANAM. 

What do you think of your government?
I didn’t vote for it, but I watch the games every year to cheer for my district. 


If your book is set outside England would I understand your jargon? I mean, fanny means lady front parts NOT backside, car hood is a car bonnet–everyone knows that, right? Are British Englishisms/Americanisms/Australianisms etc important in your book? It’s all about identity, isn’t it?
Yes you would as English; is explained in every dictionary on the subject.

But it’s harder to find a dictionary for every country’s jargon. I know it’s refreshing to read something different and be educated but sometimes it’s tiring having to put the book down, find a computer (or dictionary) to read up a word. Or is that me being lazy?

Why that shitty title?
It fits in the story in some way, and there is a place inside to wipe your eyes.

Did you run out of ideas?
No, when that happens I wait for your behavior to show me the answer.

If you were me (you know, perfect) and knew nothing about a person and you were told to interview them, what’s the one question you would ask? (answer it).
Did you enjoy writing the tale?
Yes, if it isn’t fun for the writer, how can it be fun for the reader?

How long did it take you to complete your book (from idea to publication)?
Depends on which one you want to know about. Every story is different in the time it takes to create, but generally speaking, statutes of limitations must pass before I release a tale. 

If it took under a year to write: It didn’t take you long to write so does that mean it is poorly researched, edited and written on a whim?
Stories tell themselves in however long it takes to express the end. 


If it took over a year to write: Does that mean this book is boringly long and laborious to read?
No, excessive time isn’t a factor. Prison Weekend Work release is often is the real reason for delays.

Do you have any bad habits, or stupid rituals you HAVE to do in order to write?
I have to like the stories to finish them; as for habits, if you can get away with doing it, they aren’t bad. 
Ooh, I LIKE that! Habits aren’t bad if you can get away with them–yes, perfect.

Authors are usually labelled as ‘dreamers’ and ‘loners’. Have you been labelled as such? And what implications do you think that has on a writer?
No, labels like book titles do not completely reflect what is inside, however “loner” is far better than “Drunken @#$#@”. 

What do you think of social media (pick one answer):
1. Somewhere to advertise my book.
2. Somewhere to interact with other writers.
3. Somewhere to find information
4. All of the above.

You should add a fifth selection
5. A place to borrow money to pay my liquor store bill.

I’m beginning to think most writers are raving alcoholics!

Does ‘being a writer’ make you feel like an outsider with normal, everyday people such as your family and friends?
No, my stories are about your behaviors, and they are included. 

Describe your perfect death (in case I have to kill you)?

Pizza and beer overdose

See!

Give me the first, middle and end line in your book.

First line is the title, and middle lines are various; however, they finish with; the end.



Thanks Robert, good luck with the books.

The workings of the male American mind… they have one. Or so Leif Petersen says…

 Boring Author Interview Revisited
by
Leif Petersen
What’s
so great about your crap book? (Don’t want the boring details, a couple of
lines is suffice!)

My
book explains the workings of the typical American male’s mind.  That
hasn’t been done quite like this before.  It’s sort of a users’ manual
in novel form. The male mind works?!


Is it a short book? With pictures of lots of barren deserts?
Amazon.com

Does
‘being a writer’ make you feel like an outsider with normal, everyday people
such as your family and friends?

First, my family and friends are not normal, everyday people, but
yes, it does, because there is too much sex in it.  Literary sex, to be sure, but I do not think
one’s children split those hairs. Also, my wife would be horrified. And my
parents are still alive.

This is what pen names are for! 
What
do you really think about erotica? Is it
the low of the lows for writers?
It’d be easier to answer “when
do you really think about erotica” (rather continuously).  Well-done erotica is high art, but lousy
erotica is disgusting.


Is
there an author who inspires you? Do
you think you write better than them? Is
your aim to out-sell them?
Yes, John Updike. He was a Harvard boy so of course I write better
erotica than he did but no, I will never out-sell him.  He went to Harvard. I didn’t.

 
In
the writing world, have you ever regretted anything i.e written your own review
(or written a bad review on a competitor’s novel), argued on-line, copied
someone else’s idea?
Hard to say – maybe writing my book?

Don’t say that! It sounds unique in its formula.  

How
long did it take you to complete your book (from idea to publication)?
My book, published in 2013, is about cheating in a marriage.  The original idea was for it to be about not
cheating in a marriage.  That was around
1981, maybe.  Some guys move faster than
others.  But it is neither boringly long,
nor laborious to read.

Wow, sounds like a labour of love.

Give me the first, middle and end line in your book.
  1. As far
    as he could tell, he had stopped sleeping with his wife on account of dirty
    dishes in the sink.
  2. “Life is complicated, Dr. Wilson – we just
    keep it sorted out.”

  3. “I love you,” he said.

Thanks Leif for allowing us a look into your mind. Thing is, it’s a bit lonely and sort of unoccupied in there. Just saying.

    Wakey, wakey! Another boring author interview. Thank me later.

     Peter Englebright 
    completes the boring interview challenge!

    What’s so great about your crap book?
    It’s different. It goes into strange places that I don’t think many other books or stories delve into. It’s perverse and absurd, and frankly not quite right.


    What made you think you’re so perfect that you didn’t need to pay a professional to edit your book?
    I write short to the point prose.  I don’t meander when I tell my story
    so there doesn’t seem to be much need to tighten it up.  As far as I
    can tell the writing and storytelling is as lean and minimalist as it
    can be.  There is no bloat or boring subplots that need pruned.

    Amazon.com | Amazon.UK

    Yawn, so basically you’re the same as all the rest of the authors on
    Amazon and you’re the Next Best Thing. I don’t think so. Come on, tell
    me why should I spend time reading YOUR book over more well-received
    authors?

    The modest answer is to say there is no reason.  The arrogant answer is
    to say that the vast majority of what everyone else writes is generic
    genre fiction.  Stuff you’ve already read variations on far too many
    times before.  I don’t promise a good book, but I highly doubt it will
    be similar to much else you’ve ever read.

     

    Is there an author who inspires (perspires) you?

    Do you think you write better than them?  Is your aim to out-sell them?

    Not really.  Clive Barker maybe, but I’ve probably not read anything by
    him in over a decade.  Also I’ve only read two of his books – Cabal and
    Coldheart Canyon.  Neither of which I thought was anything special. 
    Also in my mind I’m not competing directly or indirectly with him.  I
    don’t measure myself against him.  Yet that’s the only name that springs
    to mind.  His films mean more to me, and they weren’t particularly good
    either.

    In the writing world, have you ever regretted anything i.e written your
    own review (or written a bad review on a competitor’s novel), argued
    on-line, copied someone else’s idea?
    No.  I’ve done none of the above or anything else underhand.  There’s
    no point.  If I have any regrets it’s not coming up with a title of my
    own for my sixth book.  It’s a very minor regret but using an obscure
    Nine Inch Nails song title was kind of lazy.  The Way Out Is Through is a
    good title, it just isn’t mine.

    What qualifications do you have for writing in your genre?
    A weird imagination that goes into strange places, coupled with a decent grasp of fluid dream logic.
    Awesome qualification, and a must have for writers!

    If I were to read your book would I have to scroll through lots of
    acknowledgements saying how wonderful your book is before I got to the
    meat of a story?

    No.  I don’t even understand the question.  Do books usually have pages of praise at the start?

     Yes, you’ve not encountered it? To my dearest mother, father, siblings, neighbour, cat… and then there are the reasons why you should buy the book: It’s a brilliant read, awesome characters, you won’t be able to put it down… argghhhhh!


    Why that shitty title?

    It’s not shitty.  It’s brilliant.  I laugh a little at it as it’s so
    excessive and unreasonable.  If you don’t like the title then you won’t
    like the book.
    I don’t like the title. Or rather, I don’t really understand it. Is the book meant to be a black comedy or a non-fiction book?

    How long did it take you to complete your book (from idea to publication)?
    A little over two months.  Writing is funny in that it feels slow and
    plodding but suddenly after only two or three months you’ve written a
    whole book.  It sounds suspicious that I wrote it so quickly, and yet I
    don’t feel I cut any corners.  I sacrificed nothing for speed.  It
    doesn’t feel compromised at all, and I don’t believe it would have been a
    significantly better book if I took a full year to write it.  Just
    because I worked fast doesn’t mean I did a poor job.

    It didn’t take you long to write so does that mean it is poorly researched, edited and written on a whim?
    No.  I’m not sloppy.

    Do you have any bad habits, or stupid rituals you HAVE to do in order to write?
    No.
    Sheesh, you’re so boring! Not even one tiny bad habit? Like you have to wear pink while writing? Or is that just me?

    Authors are usually labelled as ‘dreamers’ and ‘loners’. Have you been
    labelled as such? And what implications do you think that has on a
    writer?

    Yes, and I have no idea.
    You’re really rolling with the ‘boring interview’ theme, ain’t you?


    Describe your perfect death (in case I have to kill you)?
    Massive heart attack or similar in my sleep.  I don’t want to see it coming.
    That’s something I can arrange!

    Give me the first, middle and end line in your book.
    1. Not everyone can play a clever girl.
    2. Once it was down I opened my mouth wide for him to look inside and see for himself that it was gone.
    3. It wasn’t an exaggeration when I said that it might be a masterpiece.

    Think I’ve fallen into a coma…

    Cynthia E Hurst discusses Americanisms in this…

    Boring Author Interview Revisited
    with

    Cynthia E Hurst

    What’s so great about your crap book? (Don’t want the boring details, a couple of lines is suffice!)
    ‘Zukie’s Burglar’ was born out of a conversation with a mystery writer who outsells me by several thousand to one. I remarked that one of her characters reminded me of my tactless, snoopy aunt, and she said ‘go for it,’ so I did. I had been wanting to start a new series, and this is it.

    Who is this mysterious author, I wonder?



    What qualifications do you have for writing in your genre? Many authors use their qualifications to show off their so-called talents i.e. crime writers are often coppers (police, for the non-Brits present) and the book becomes boringly technical. How have you managed to keep your knowledge low key? Or haven’t you bothered?
    No qualifications whatsoever, except having had a tactless, snoopy Italian-American aunt. I try to keep the police involvement to a minimum.

    Amazon.ukAmazon.com

    My first series, the R&P Labs Mysteries, is set in a small research
    laboratory, which might seem an odd choice, but both my parents were
    scientists and worked in a similar lab. Instead of having a babysitter, I
    was parked in a corner with a pile of empty petri dishes and pipettes
    to play with. Although the scientific gene totally passed me by, many of
    the staff’s projects in the books are ones the lab actually did.


    If I were to read your book would I have to scroll through lots of acknowledgements saying how wonderful your book is before I got to the meat of a story?
    Nope. 

    If your book is set outside England would I understand your jargon? I mean, fanny means lady front parts NOT backside, car hood is a car bonnet–everyone knows that, right? Are British Englishisms/Americanisms/Australianisms etc important in your book? It’s all about identity, isn’t it?
    I had a nice review of another book in which a British reader praised me for not using too many Americanisms. I have spent half my life in the U.S. and half in the U.K., so believe me, I’m aware of this and have an American beta reader who tells me things like ‘your character has to be exhausted, not shattered’ and ‘it’s trash, not rubbish.’ (I don’t think she meant the book, but who knows). My books are all set in Seattle, the most beautiful city in the world, even with the traffic.

    My books are quintessentially English but I’m beginning to rethink the wiseness (is that a word?) of that decision and employ an American proofer alongside my British one.


    If you were me (you know, perfect) and knew nothing about a person and you were told to interview them, what’s the one question you would ask? (answer it).
    I can really identify with this one, having been sent numerous times as a reporter to interview people I knew nothing about and had no time to research. The best question is ‘What are you working on at the moment?’ The answer is, ‘The third book in the Zukie series.’
    Give me the first, middle and end line
    in your book.


    1. The way Zukie saw it, if the shrimp had been fresher, she never would
      have been in the kitchen in the middle of the night, and the murder never would
      have been solved.
    2. Zukie stood there, a vision in her pink flowered nightgown and fluffy slippers,
      the lamp still clutched in one hand and the cord trailing behind her. Her hair
      stuck out at alarming angles and her eyes were flashing.
    3. “I’m Zukie Merlino, I live next door. Welcome to the neighborhood.”
    Well, that was short and sweet! I didn’t have any time insult to you!

    Bad Author Interviews Revisited and it’s…

    the turn of
    Robert McCarroll

    What’s so great about your crap book?

    Other
    than the fact that it’s my book?  Mad Science, Magic,
    Aliens,Superheroes, and no cardboard cut-outs masquerading as main
    characters.  Oh, and Masquerade.  Everyone loves Masquerade.




    What do you really think about erotica?

    As a writer or a reader?


    Is it the low of the lows for writers?

    No, that distinction belongs to those who ghostwrite for celebrity and/or politician ego projects.


    Oooh, I’ve never thought of that group being at the bottom. But that’s what keeps the bricks and motor book stores afloat, I guess.




    If
    you didn’t have your book professionally edited: What made you think
    you’re so perfect that you didn’t need to pay a professional?

    Amazon.com
    Amazon.uk


    What
    if I have had it professionally done? 

    Then don’t answer the question, doh!

    After all my re-writes, after
    the editor was done, led to all the proofing error complaints.  I am so
    error prone that I’ve had to hire yet another proofreader to deal with
    the fallout from my fat fingers.

    Yeah, been there, done that. Now I’ve leant you don’t get an editor until your typescript is perfect.




    Yawn, so basically
    you’re the same as all the rest of the authors on Amazon and you’re the
    Next Best Thing. I don’t think so. Come on, tell me why should I spend
    time reading YOUR book over more well-received authors?


    Because
    I’m holding a puppy hostage, and bad things will happen if you don’t
    read my book.  Or was I making an army of puppy bombers?  Let me check
    my notes.



    Is there an author who inspires (perspires) you?


    No. 
    Not really.  I write to fill the gaps in my entertainment.  If there’s
    someone providing that, I’d have no reason to write it.

    So you write because there are no other books out there that you like? That’s a good reason to write, and probably means there’s a niche for your book.


    Do you think you write better than them?

    Yes, of course.  If they were better than me, I wouldn’t be writing.



    Is your aim to out-sell them?

    Who were we talking about again? 

    The writers who inspire you. Keep up!


    In
    the writing world, have you ever regretted anything i.e written your
    own review (or written a bad review on a competitor’s novel), argued
    on-line, copied someone else’s idea?

    I released an e-book before
    it was ready, and ended up unpublishing it out of embarrassment.  It’s
    not for sale anymore. To the five people who bought it, I’m sorry.

    Ha! 

    What qualifications do you have for writing in your genre?

    A lifetime of geekdom.

    Top qualification, or so I’ve heard.


    Many
    authors use their qualifications to show off their so-called talents
    i.e. crime writers are often coppers (police, for the non-Brits present)
    and the book becomes boringly technical. How have you managed to keep
    your knowledge low key? Or haven’t you bothered?


    I have to keep it at bay or I’d be sued for copyright and trademark infringement.  I don’t have that kind of money.

    Must be difficult. Do you wear your cardigans and braces only after dark? 

    If
    I were to read your book would I have to scroll through lots of
    acknowledgements saying how wonderful your book is before I got to the
    meat of a story?


    Acknowledgements, yes, praising the book, no.  Though you may want to be sure your sanity score is high enough.



    What part of the world do you come from?

    New York, the real New York, not that city that keeps impersonating New York and sending corrupt politicians to Albany.



    What do you think of your government?
    Which
    one? The corrupt state government, the inept federal government, the
    totalitarian bureaucracy or the local yokels?  I guess I answered the
    question then.

    Don’t sit on the fence!


    If your book is set outside England would I
    understand your jargon? I mean, fanny means lady front parts NOT
    backside, car hood is a car bonnet–everyone knows that, right? Are
    British Englishisms/Americanisms/Australianisms etc important in your book? It’s all about identity, isn’t it?


    It’s in America, where pants are trousers, not underwear.




    Why that shitty title?


    I
    hit ‘save’ and it asked me to name the file.  I had to name it
    something, so I named it after the Main character’s codename.  Then I
    promptly went and changed the codename in story, making the title
    obsolete before part 5.



    Did you run out of ideas?

    Yes, how could you tell?  I never found a real title to replace the working title.




    If
    you were me (you know, perfect) and knew nothing about a person and you
    were told to interview them, what’s the one question you would ask?
    (answer it).


    Would you vote Disestablishmentarian or Bull Moose?  Zombie Teddy for the win!




    How long did it take you to complete your book (from idea to publication)?

    One year.  One month to write it, eleven to edit it.




    If
    it took under a year to write: It didn’t take you long to write so does
    that mean it is poorly researched, edited and written on a whim?


    Research?
    Pshaw.  It was written because I get fed up writing a serious take on
    the Superhero Genre, so I wrote a light and fluffy embrasure of the
    conventions.  Only I’d been writing Grimdark to sell to the Black
    Library, and ‘Light and Fluffy’ turned into “First person narrator tried
    to console abused child while the narrator is dying from being impaled
    on a steel rod.”  Yeah… I missed the lighthearted romp target by a
    mile.



    If it took over a year to write: Does that mean this book is boringly long and laborious to read?

    Not at all, it’s only 107,000 words.  Those 11 months were pure, unadulterated laziness.

    Yeah right, I’m a writer too remember, so I know what it’s like. Those eleven months were full of pacing, tearing out hair, drinking, sitting bolt upright in bed with a sudden idea and waking your partner, punching walls, forgetting to eat, forgetting you have kids. My scenario: Child: ‘Mummy, what time’s dinner? I haven’t eaten in a week.’ Me: ‘Eh? Who are you and how did you get into my house?’

    Do you have any bad habits, or stupid rituals you HAVE to do in order to write?

    I
    have to have a computer, I have to be alone, and I have to have
    background noise, preferably music, because anything with a plot will
    distract me.




    Authors are usually labelled as ‘dreamers’ and
    ‘loners’. Have you been labelled as such? And what implications do you
    think that has on a writer?


    No, I’ve been labelled as a
    crumudgeon, or cantakerous, because I only interact with people at my
    day job.  I say ‘people’ but we’re more like drones.





    What do you think of social media (pick one answer): 

    1. Somewhere to advertise my book.
    2. Somewhere to interact with other writers.
    3. Somewhere to find information.
    4. All of the above.


    5. ***None of the above***

    I find social media to be *redacted* and *expletive deleted**redacted* and a place where *redacted* *expletive deleted*

    Does ‘being a writer’ make you feel like an outsider with normal, everyday people such as your family and friends?

    Normal? 
    You think those people are Normal?  They willingly associate with me
    for crying out loud, how ‘Normal’ could they possibly be?

    Guess not then. 


    Give me the first, middle and end line in your book.

    1. Bureaucracy.  I’d rather take a fist to the face than have to deal with
      the Bureau of Hero Affairs, but then I’d end up having to fill out one
      of the innumerable BHA forms.
    2. “He’s sixteen,” Torquespiral said, “Could you pitch a two million dollar project at that age?”
    3. After all, what would I do with myself?

    Thanks, Robert, for being a brilliant amazing thrilling shit interviewee! 

    Can Bill Leviathan set me alight with this author interview?

     Boring Author Interview Revisited…

    What do you really think about erotica? Is it the low of the lows for writers?
    I’ve never read it, but I have often considered writing it. Especially after I “accidentally” got drunk by myself. If you can earn some off of it, who cares?

    I agree, if you can earn and people enjoy ‘that sort of thing’ who cares, but I wish there was a classification for it. I picked up a book thinking it was a romance and, let’s just say, I’m still in shock! You can do rude things on a motorbike (and I’m not talking a little hanky-panky!)?
     
    If you didn’t have your book professionally edited: What made you think you’re so perfect that you didn’t need to pay a professional?
    I don’t think I’m perfect, but I do know I’m a cheap bastard. Apologies to anyone reading my book.

    Is there an author who inspires (perspires) you? Do you think you write better than them? Is your aim to out-sell them?
    Amazon | Smashwords

    I like to see myself as the next borderline insane,
    alcoholic author that Jim Thompson was. Being able to write truly
    psychotic characters from the first person so convincingly takes quite a
    special talent. I’m not there yet, and I don’t see myself writing
    scripts for directors as renowned as Kubrick any time soon either. 

    I don’t believe his books sold that well during his
    lifetime, but he still made a living off of them. I can only dream if
    selling that well.
    What qualifications do you have for writing in your genre? Many authors use their qualifications to show off their so-called talents i.e.
    crime writers are often coppers (police, for the non-Brits present) and
    the book becomes boringly technical. How have you managed to keep your
    knowledge low key? Or haven’t you bothered?
    Set Me Alight involves a lonely bitter kid trying to become
    a forest fire fighter. I know nothing of fire fighting, forests, or
    “roughing it” beyond watching Suvivorman. However, the story is a very
    technical portrayal of being lonely and bitter.
    If I were to read your book would I have to scroll through
    lots of acknowledgements saying how wonderful your book is before I got
    to the meat of a story?
    No


    If your book is set outside England would I understand
    your jargon? I mean, fanny means lady front parts NOT backside, car hood
    is a car bonnet–everyone knows that, right? Are British
    Englishisms/Americanisms/
    Australianisms etc important in your book? It’s all about identity, isn’t it?
    I’m American, but I don’t believe there are many
    Americanisms in my book. Kind of hard to say though being an culturally
    ignorant American and all.
    I was told by one reader that my use of “carryout container” may be confusing as Brits call it “takeaway”.
    I’ve not heard of a ‘carryout container’. Sounds a mouthful (pun intended). Why over complicate things? Takeaway is much simpler.
    Why that shitty title? Did you run out of ideas?
    I felt the title, Set Me Alight, was the only legitimately
    well written thing I produced for this story. Gives a nice sense of
    dread and defeat. Also, all my other ideas were terrible.

    If I didn’t look at the cover first, I’d say it sounded like a romance. But with that cover, it sounds like a horror story.

    Authors are usually labelled as ‘dreamers’ and ‘loners’. Have you been labelled as such? And what implications do you think that has on a writer?

    I have been labeled as a loner before. I’d say I self
    describe as a loner more than people call me one. It has a certain
    pathetic, romantic quality, you know? If you’re a loner you’re always
    taking on the world by yourself, never relying on anyone else. There’s a
    level of pride to it. Though, if that’s how you feel about being called
    a loner, you probably aren’t a real ‘loner’ to being with.

    If you rely on someone else nothing would get done, is my analogy.
    I imagine a lot of writers get the label as most of what they do is done in solitude, especially for self-published authors.
    True. But they must enjoy that ‘loneliness’ or they’d take up another occupation, surely?
    Does ‘being a writer’ make you feel like an outsider with normal, everyday people such as your family and friends?
    No, but I also like to think I’m not a pretentious asshole.
    I’m saying nuffin.
    Describe your perfect death (in case I have to kill you)?
    Autoerotic self-asphyxiation. I’ll be guaranteed to make the news that way.
    Thought you said you’d never read erotica? Hmmm

    Give me the first, middle and end line in your book.
    1. It’s so God damned cold in here.
    2. Kevin must have gotten it in his mind that I wanted to listen to him speak.
    3. Now, time to sort through all these documents.

    Thanks Bill, in answer to my own question in the title… no.

    OMG! Women write zombie books! @ApacoTaco

    Tis the turn of Stevie Kopas 
    with her incredibly Boring Author Interview Revisited

    What’s so great about your crap book? (Don’t want the boring details, a couple of lines is suffice!)
    The
    Breadwinner and Haven are great because I wrote them. I put a lot of
    time and effort into creating a horrific world for people to get killed
    in and I’m excited about it. You’ve got a good solid mix of character
    flow, post apocalyptic adventure and zombie madness. What’s not to
    love?



    If you
    didn’t have your book professionally edited: What made you think you’re
    so perfect that you didn’t need to pay a professional?

    I didn’t have the money to pay anybody and at the time I didn’t know anybody who I trusted with editing my books.
    I know a brilliant chap called John Hudspith (gotta get the plugs where you can!)


    Yawn,
    so basically you’re the same as all the rest of the authors on Amazon
    and you’re the Next Best Thing. I don’t think so. Come on, tell me why
    should I spend time reading YOUR book over more well-received authors?

    I’m
    a female author in a male dominated genre. I’m also a younger author
    still in her twenties in a genre dominated by older, more seasoned
    authors. But I’ve got what it takes to run with the big boys and I never
    have been, never will be afraid to put my name out there, get my hands
    dirty and do the damn thing. So if you don’t want to read an awesome
    horror/zombie book written by a lady like me then you must be too
    boring.


    What qualifications do you have for writing in your genre?
    I have absolutely no qualifications for writing in my genre…unless you count my years of secret professional zombie hunting. Then yeah, I don’t see how anybody else could be more qualified than me.
     

    Many authors use their qualifications to show off their so-called talents i.e. crime writers are often coppers (police, for the non-Brits present) and the book becomes boringly technical. How have you managed to keep your knowledge low key? Or haven’t you bothered?
    I’m not usually supposed to tell people about my years spent in the underground zombie market, but because of my experience with discreet killing, black market trade and sales, I have the upper hand on a lot of people who don’t realize how at any moment, if it weren’t for people like me, things could get out of control and we’d have a zombie apocalypse on our hands.

    I’m feeling so much better with you on the streets to protect me, but when you hunt zombies can you keep the noise down? All that wailing (no sure if that’s from you or the zombies) is driving me insane!

    What part of the world do you come from?
    I live in Florida, the very tip of the southeastern United States.


    What do you think of your government?
    My government told me to tell you that I love them.

    Not on your zombie hunting list then?

    If you were me (you know, perfect) and knew nothing about a person and you were told to interview them, what’s the one question you would ask? (answer it).

    So I guess I’m asking myself what my favorite video game is. Self, what’s your favorite video game? That’s a tough one self, I’d have to call it a toss-up between Fallout and Bioshock.

    Do you have any bad habits, or stupid rituals you HAVE to do in order to write?

    It always ends up with me either tweaking out from too much coffee or getting shitty from drinking too much wine.

    You get shitty from drinking wine? I end up conducting crap interviews!

    Authors are usually labelled as ‘dreamers’ and ‘loners’. Have you been labelled as such?
    If I have, nobody’s told me to my face. I don’t discriminate and think everyone has asshole tendencies, so if I had to choose between being around people all the time or being by myself, I’d choose hanging with me, me, me. But I do love having an active social life, even if it means I have to tell people to fuck off from time to time.

    And what implications do you think that has on a writer?
    I think writers need to stop labelling themselves. What’s the point? You want people to think you’re “weird” or “different” because you sit in a basement and drink by yourself while you write you think is your magnum opus? A lot of writers take themselves way too seriously and in turn, disrespect other writers by projecting their pompous vibes onto others. I don’t have time for that, what you see is what you get with me and as a writer, that just means I’m a writer, I don’t have a label or a name for it.
    You said it, sister! I’ve no time for ‘up their arses’ authors. Why does ‘being an author’ make some so bloody arrogant? Ugh! OK, best get off this subject before I go into a full-blown rant.

    Describe your perfect death (in case I have to kill you)?
    Please make sure I’m sleeping, preferably after drinking a good bottle of wine.

    Give me the first, middle and end line in your book.
    First, middle, and end lines of The Breadwinner, Book 1 in The Breadwinner Trilogy:

    1. Franklin Woods was the most upscale community a person could find in Columbia Beach, Florida.
    2. Veronica’s heart was caught in her throat and her thoughts raced.
    3. She felt his eyes on her but never took hers off the burning building.
    First, middle, and end line of Haven, book 2 in The Breadwinner Trilogy:
    1. The gentle rocking of the boat gave Samson little comfort. 
    2. “Fuck.” She whispered under her breath. 
    3. She closed her eyes and gave no further thought to the waking world.

    Thank you, Stevie, good luck with your zombie hunting.

    Salo Maa Neco is as interesting as his Grandad’s old Y-fronts and just as smelly (probably)

     It’s another Boring Author Interview! 

    What’s so great about your crap book? 

    Hey,
    Toots, did you just call my book ‘crap’? ‘My name is Cinnamon’ isn’t
    crap. It’s almost literature. It’s the story of two boys growing up in
    Istanbul. There’s a subtle sexual undercurrent for the grubbier of
    readers and there’s romance for the sops. There’s a giggle or two along
    the way, some Istanbul exotic for the fat and lazy armchair travelers,
    and only the hardest arses of readers won’t cry somewhere between the
    first and last page. Even men like to shed a little tear while reading a
    book. Don’t tell anyone I told you that. What’s so great about My name
    is Cinnamon? I write to the reader’s emotions.  

    Amazon.UK | Amazon.com

    Toots? Toots?! Hope I got you back with the y-front title.


    What do you really think about erotica? Is it the low of lows for writers?
    The
    low of lows for writers is the Dan-Brown-written-for-dimwits genre.
    Like McBurgers, white bread and SqueezyJet, most of the pap in the ‘Top
    10 Bestsellers’ isn’t worth the money or the physical effort to consume
    it. Erotica on the other hand stokes the reader’s imagination. Surely
    that’s what separates literature from McBooks. (And, by the way, how
    cool is an eBook device for hiding what you’re reading? No cover to give
    away your grubby little secret. You can say you’re reading Peter
    Hopkirk’s The Great Game which is awfully intellectual when really
    you’re really reading Madam Chirac’s 69 Lacey Romps in Paris. Or Harry
    Potter.) Look, I work in an awfully proper school and so I’m expected to
    be awfully proper. But who is? I escape into my eBooks and, if
    anything, they look at me and think, how awfully modern.  

    If
    you didn’t have your book professionally edited, what makes you think
    you’re so perfect that you didn’t need to pay a professional? 
    I
    may not be a perfect bastard but I am a very pedantic one. No one
    except my mother is pickier than me. Maybe my primary school teacher who
    still writes to correct the occasional error in my blog is pickier.
    I’ve read, re-read, edited, and re-edited my books. Each took over three
    years from conception to birth, baby. Like sex. Slower is better. I’ve
    had no complaints. By the way, it’s an art. What one person thinks is
    perfection, others may not. What tickles one fancy… we’re still
    talking about my books, aren’t we? 

    You’re still in contact with your primary school teacher? Wow. But yes, I agree, perfecting books takes time and the more time the better it will be (get it out of your head and onto a computer should be the fastest part of writing).

    Those writers (usually those blinded to a publisher) who are on a contract to write several books a year can’t be turning out quality books. Anyway, back to the questions…

    Why should I spend time reading YOUR book over more well received authors? 
    My
    bookshelves are filled with unheard of authors. Who are those ‘more
    well received’ authors? Do you mean the ones with the correct number of
    syllables in their pseudo-names? They who write to a formula of 95,000
    words and 20 chapters and mentioning sex in the first page? The ones who
    write books for the train or plane ride? The ones who are puppets for
    the publishing companies? I’m glad you asked, Toots. You should read my
    book because it’ll make you think and feel. The Look Inside feature is
    the eReader’s best tool now. Forget reviews. Forget Waterstones’ ‘best
    seller’ list. Read the first 5% of any McBook if you can and then read
    the first 5% of My name is Cinnamon. Try it Toots. Dip your fingers in
    and wiggle them around. I think you’ll like it. I’m sure you’ll want
    more.

    Panting…
    Is there an author who you inspire / perspire to be like? 
    (I think you mean aspire but, as you pointed out, I’m not a professional editor.)  
    Smart arse.

    Do you think you write better than them? Is your aim to out sell them? 

    Yes,
    no, and yes. Joanne Harris writes artfully. Chocolat, Blackberry Wine,
    Gentlemen and Players… These are literary works of art. I write at
    least as well as her and yes, I want to outsell her. I want to sell so
    many books that, like her, I can quit my day job. I liked John Irving’s
    earlier books but after a while the bears, wrestling, New England and
    boyhood sexual encounters with aggressive older women began to feel
    done. 

    In
    the writing world have you ever regretted anything, i.e. written your
    own review or written a bad review for a competitor, argued online,
    copied someone else’s idea.
     
    Yes.
    I’ve regretted not being more ruthless. I’ve not done any of these
    things you mention. I was busy angsting over apostrophes and split
    infinitives and the feel of slicing a person’s throat with a very sharp
    knife. One of my books (Survivors) begins with an Ebola pandemic. I’ve
    not had the ruthlessness to exploit that by diving into chatrooms to
    comment about the current African tragedy and then shamelessly promoting
    ‘Survivors’. The big publishers wouldn’t hesitate. They probably even
    start such outbreaks to sell books they’ve had written by their drones
    and bots.

    That’s the trouble with being a writer, we’re not natural at selling. Time to push ourselves? Those on the Amazon/Goodreads forums won’t agree though.
    What
    qualifications do you have for writing in your genre? Many authors use
    their qualifications to show off their talents and the book becomes
    boring. How have you avoided this? 
    I’m
    a Teacher and a Psychologist (yes, Toots, they’re both proper nouns so
    leave the capitals where they are). Er, OK, (presses the undone button) I study abnormal behaviour. I work
    with sexual deviants and adventurers and criminals. I’m their father and
    counsellor and parole officer. I watch their eyes and I smell them and I
    see the way they scratch themselves. I know what they’re thinking and
    who they’re thinking it about. I know who they want to kill and who they
    want to caress and seduce and tie up with lace and who they want to
    string up with rope.

    Not a primary school teacher, then!
    If I were to read your book would I have to scroll through lots of acknowledgements? Or recommendations?
    No,
    Toots. My books and I are not American. I trust my reader to appreciate
    my first few paragraphs and then I trust my writing to seduce the
    reader. I do understand that the McPublishers think readers have to be
    told what they like. I don’t.


    Is your book set outside England? Would I understand the jargon? 
    I’m
    from neither American nor Britain so I know to be careful with our
    English language. There are no footpaths, piss or fannies in My name is
    Cinnamon
    . It’s set in Istanbul and so there are some Turkish bits but,
    fret not Toots, these are explained when necessary. I think we’re all
    getting a little too precious about the trans-Atlantic divide. Perhaps
    the Americans and Brits ought to understand that the English language is
    now owned and operated by quite a few more people than just them. I
    first really understood this back in high school when I suddenly
    understood the caption: Minnie Mouse was speaking to Mickey Mouse. She
    said, “Kiss me Mick.”

    Nope, it’s sailed over my head.
    I’d like to say that the English language is owed by Britain, only parts of it has been adopted by other countries and moulded into their family (country ideals) making it neither wrong or right but just ‘the way it is’. It’s made the language richer, stranger, frustrating at times but a lot more fun!

    Why that shitty title? Did you run out of ideas?
    The
    story is told by Tarsin. That’s his name. It’s also the Turkish word
    for cinnamon. “It used to be a spice more valuable than gold. Now they
    sprinkle me on cappuccinos. Everyone in Istanbul knows about change.” I
    thought it was a better title than, Fifty Shades of Bad Grammar or And
    to think I saw it all on Mulberry Street. Oh and by the way, my
    imagination won’t ever run out of ideas. 
    If
    you were me (you know, perfect) and knew nothing about  a person and
    you were told to interview them, what’s the one question you would ask,
    and answer it.
     
    Is
    there any question you wouldn’t want me to ask you? I’d hate it if you
    asked if my book is in any way autobiographical. Yes, it is. Throughout
    the whole book I’m there as a little bit of this character and little
    bit of that one. I did that. I said that. I saw that. I ate that. I felt
    that fear. I lusted after that. And I cried just like that.  

    How long did it take to complete your book? If it took over a year, is it boring and laborious to read? 
    It
    took about three years to complete. It took about 3 weeks to write the
    first draft and then it was left to mature. After a few months it reeked
    like an old cheese so I refined it and put it away again. Then it stank
    so I rewrote here and there. That stench matured into an possibly
    acceptable Roquefort-esque odour and after several more rewrites that
    odour became the gentle sweet fragrance of a ripe baby camembert. I
    wouldn’t inflict boring and laborious on anyone, least of all me.  
    Any bad habits or rituals you HAVE to do in order to write? 
    We
    are what we eat. My writing comes from my food and drink: chocolate of
    course, red wine that’s made and bottled just up the hill from where I
    write, and really tasty coffee made in a French press. Pistachios too
    but they have to be in a brown paper bag and eaten outdoors, near the
    ocean, while talking with your childhood friend.

    Sounds heavenly. Want a lodger? 

    Authors
    are often labelled as dreamers and loners. Have you been labelled as
    such? What implications does this have on your writing?
     
    Did
    you just read my name-tag? I’ve travelled the world, mostly on my own,
    thinking and dreaming all the way. This doesn’t have implications for my
    writing. It is my writing. My name is Cinnamon is all about a little
    boy who thinks he cures the world of loneliness and maybe he does it
    with a very sharp knife. Again and again. Or maybe he was just a 
    dreamer and a loner. 
    What do you think of social media?
    It’s
    a lot like sex. It’s can be good. It can be bad. You shouldn’t let it
    take over your life. And don’t do it with family members. Or animals. 

    Describe your perfect death.
    If
    it’s someone I like, the perfect death is to die while asleep. The
    heart stops, the dream ends, you stay warm under the duvet.
    If
    it’s someone I hate, it has to be very slow and agonising. Funny you
    ask because my next book has twenty murders and the killer hates every
    one of his victims. He doesn’t just want to kill them, he needs them to
    suffer. Drowning, eventually, in a dark, rat-infested storm water drain.
    Eaten over several days by eagles. A good sharp knife is hard to beat.
    It’s precise and tactile and simple. Guns jam up and poisoning can go
    badly wrong but it’s very difficult to kill badly with a beautifully
    sharp knife. Don’t you think? They have to know they’re dying. They have
    to know why they’re dying. They have to fear death. It’s no good if
    they’re expecting seventy virgins or eternal peace. They have to believe
    in flames. They have to know its inevitable and most of all they have
    to know who’s holding the beautifully sharp knife.

    Hmm,
    what about severing a limb or extracting an organ, and keeping the
    victim alive to suffer for a while longer by having him eat his own
    flesh and drink his own blood?

    Well, you did ask.
    Er, I meant your death. But I don’t think my stomach could face the answer!
    Give me the first, middle and end line in your book. 
    First:
    This is the story of Esref, an intelligent, handsome, warm-hearted
    little boy who lived in Istanbul and who changed the world.

    Middle:
    ‘And the best stories often have hidden messages that sometimes only
    the story teller knows and everyone else just has to guess.’

    Last: He was and still is ‘canim’, my life.

    Thanks for answering my questions and scaring me witless with your answers! 

    Do all author interviews have to be boring? Er, yes…

    Next in line for the Boring Author Interview Revisited is…
    Peter Morin

    What do you really think about erotica? Is it the low of the lows for writers?
    Remember that Budweiser is the #1 selling beer in the world. That only means that people who drink Budweiser have no idea what good beer is.


    BN | Amazon | Smash | iTunes

    I personally don’t see the point of erotica when so much real sex is available via more engrossing media. Although you can’t do Skype sex on an airplane. (Note: I am not speaking out of personal experience.)
    That’s not what I’ve heard…


    What qualifications do you have for writing in your genre?
    Many authors use their qualifications to show off their so-called talents i.e. crime writers are often coppers (police, for the non-Brits present) and the book becomes boringly technical. How have you managed to keep your knowledge low key? Or haven’t you bothered?
    As everyone knows, lawyers never show off. That’s a ridiculous notion. We are sober, restrained and never lie. I have the special honor of being both a lawyer and ex-politician, so I am even more exemplary.


    Diary of a Small Fish has a lot of legal mumbo jumbo in it. The greatest compliment I have been paid is from those who said they knew nothing about law and hated politics, but they enjoyed the book, because it was all explained so simply.


    What part of the world do you come from? What do you think of your government?
    I am from Boston, which is why I write about politics. Because politics in Boston is a spectator contact sport. I respect our system of government, but it is irretrievably crippled and incapable of effective operation, in any of its many iterations. I despise most politicians because they’re too stupid, greedy or ambitious to recognize this inescapable fact.


    Why that shitty title? Did you run out of ideas?
    It was supposed to be DAIRY of a Small Fish. I misspelled it, the cover artist didn’t pick it up, and I was too cheap to fix it.
    Ha! ‘Diary’ has a better ring to it than ‘dairy’, I must admit–grudgingly

    Authors are usually labelled as ‘dreamers’ and ‘loners’. Have you been labelled as such? And what implications do you think that has on a writer?
    I am neither a dreamer nor a loner, but if I were, and someone called me that, I’d beat the shit out of them and brag to my friends about it.
    There was something circulating on Facebook about heaps of shit in Boston…


    What do you think of social media (pick one answer):
    1. Somewhere to advertise my book.
    2. Somewhere to interact with other writers.
    3. Somewhere to find information.
    4. All of the above.


    I’m deviating:
    5. An effective procrastination tool.

    Procrastination is the MOST important work of the day for a writer, I have you know!


    Give me the first, middle and end line in your book.

    1. I used to play an obscene amount of golf at the exclusive Hyannisport Club.
    2. “My take is your golf partner is singing like Maria Callas.”
    3. I’m not holding my breath.

    Thank you Pete, it’s been a pleasure. But so’s sleeping. Zzzzzz…

    Richard Murray’s Killing the Dead (and me) with this BORING interview

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    Boring Author Interviews Revisited…

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    Amazon.UK | Amazon.com

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    What’s so great about your crap book? (Don’t want the boring details, a couple of lines is suffice!)
    A serial killer free to do as he pleases in the middle of a zombie apocalypse. No boring morality, just fun… for him at least.

    What do you really think about erotica? 
    I don’t really read it. 
    Bet you’re one of those secret readers who hides an erotica title inside a literary novel.

    Is it the low of the lows for writers? 
    I think it is a genre that sells and sells well. It’s no different than any other genre.
    Told ya!

    If you didn’t have your book professionally edited: What made you think you’re so perfect that you didn’t need to pay a professional?
    I had my mother edit it since she at least is university educated and will do it for free.

    Oh-oh, mums are biased. At least, mine is, and loves everything I do.

    Yawn, so basically you’re the same as all the rest of the authors on Amazon and you’re the Next Best Thing. I don’t think so. Come on, tell me why should I spend time reading YOUR book over more well-received authors?
    Well because I slaved over that book darn it! Or perhaps because it is a little bit different from the rest. Serial Killer in an apocalypse, what’s not to love?
    I must admit, it does sound interesting.

    Is there an author who inspires (perspires) you?
    No one in particular.

    Do you think you write better than them? 
    Nope I am still learning and happy to improve.

    Is your aim to out-sell them? 
    No.
    You’re too nice. You should wanna out-sell every damn writer out there!

    In the writing world, have you ever regretted anything i.e written your own review (or written a bad review on a competitor’s novel), argued on-line, copied someone else’s idea? 
    No, I have enough of my own ideas to keep me going for years. I don’t see the point of writing my own review and I would avoid reviewing competitors work because… well they are competitors so it wouldn’t be unbiased.

    What qualifications do you have for writing in your genre?
    Nope, nothing more than a love or stories.
    Emotions of the heart–maybe the best qualification of all!

    If I were to read your book would I have to scroll through lots of acknowledgements saying how wonderful your book is before I got to the meat of a story? 
    No. Straight into the story and the book ends the same way… am I supposed to acknowledge someone?
    Your poor mum who has to edit your frigging book for free! Sheesh!

    What part of the world do you come from?  
    England
    Where all the best writers come from…

    Why that shitty title? 
    I felt it was appropriate for a book about zombies.
    Not very original though, is it?

    Did you run out of ideas?

    Nope, still plenty of those. 
    Just, unfortunately, shitty ones.  

    How long did it take you to complete your book (from idea to publication)? 
    Somewhere short of three months and a stupendous amount of hours.

    If it took under a year to write: It didn’t take you long to write so does that mean it is poorly researched, edited and written on a whim? 

    Not at all. My first work is 40k words long. With my average wpm typing skills and the number of hours I spent working on it, I should have had approx 400k words or more so a great deal of my time was spent trying to make it accurate and as error free as possible. 

    Do you have any bad habits, or stupid rituals you HAVE to do in order to write? 
    I have to be fairly distraction free. Usually sat alone with my computer, cup of coffee, maps, reference documents, character sheets open on one half of my monitor and my main doc open on the other. Some classical music or even the three hour recording of thunderstorms playing. Anything other than that and I will struggle.
    Hang on, three-hour recording of thunderstorms? Now, I wonder where people outside of Blighty get the impression that England is full of eccentrics? 

    Authors are usually labelled as ‘dreamers’ and ‘loners’. Have you been labelled as such? And what implications do you think that has on a writer? 
    Yes I have often been labelled a dreamer and I am a loner by nature. The implication for me is that I struggle with dialogue and character interaction. Perhaps that is reflected in the main character of my work.

    Does ‘being a writer’ make you feel like an outsider with normal, everyday people such as your family and friends? 

    I have found that it is harder now. I want to talk about writing, about my newest work or reviews. I want to dissect parts of the story and I fear that I am boring the hell out of them.
    I get where you’re coming from. Just as well there are lots of writing forums around where we can take it in turns to bore one another.

    Describe your perfect death (in case I have to kill you)?

    Standing on the Earth as the sun explodes and engulfs the world… likely in a billion or so years from now. I am happy to wait.



    Thank you Richard. Now go and buy your mother some flowers, tight git.