I hate sex! It’s icky, repetitive, time consuming, sweaty and pointless . . .


in books.

Unless it’s erotica, and then it’s kinda the main ingredient. So I always cut to the chase, boy meets girl, boy like girl and vice versa, a couple of kisses, and then it’s the next scene. Job done.

I can not make sex sexy. The name of every body part has me giggling. How many times can you say ‘velvet sheath’ or ‘lady garden’ without laughing? 

I blogged about it last year in my post I can’t Perform in the Sexual Department, and even though it made people giggle you’d have hoped I’d have a different story to tell this year, wouldn’t you? But no, I STILL, prefer to miss those scenes out. Maybe it’s because, as a reader, I skip them to get to the main gritty story.

But then, I began getting a few reviews for Eden from people saying the sexual tension was thick but they were disappointed that it didn’t lead to anything. Oh, dear! And even more shocking Eden has a few tags of ‘erotica’. Not my intention! Flattered, that I got the sexual tension right, but the book is about acceptance, love and survival above anything else, and the theme Beauty and the Beast, is so far away from erotic fiction.


In my latest release, The Fall of the Misanthrope: I bitch, therefore I am, I wrote two sex scenes. One was so raunchy it involved oral sex, but I cut it. And I’m glad I did. You see, you HAVE to stay true to the genre you’re writing for.

I’m pleased my books are romantic and ‘thick with sexual tension’, but I’ll leave the full blown sex scenes to the experts!

Article by Louise Wise

I can’t perform in the sexual department.

There. I’ve said it. Before I’m sent loads of porn-site links to
“better” myself can I add that I’m talking about writing sex scenes? 

I find it
very hard to write a sex scene and almost always have my characters kissing one
minute then lighting a cigarette the next! 

My scenes seem silly when I read them back, and I end up giggling hysterically at them. When I’ve recovered enough I
reread only, this time, I’m cringing with embarrassment!

I stink at writing sex scenes.

There is a
sex scene in
A Proper
 but I wrote that mainly for laughs not just for romance. Romance and sex
is so hard to get right. 

Eden is more romantic, and I admit I cut the sex scenes
because they just didn’t seem right. There are only so many ways you can write
about kissing, caressing and getting naked!

With The Fall of the Misanthrope: I bitch, therefore I am  I have many cut sex scenes on my, er, hard drive that didn’t make the final book. Some were too explicit (for a chick lit), others felt plain daft while some ended up so bizarre I think I’d have been carted off for treatment with a sex therapist!

Suggestive sexy scenes are bloody hard to write! Writers (me anyway) fall into the trap of using cliques and inappropriate
names for body parts (cue a list of inappropriate names for parts of the body):

  • Special flower
  • Pussy
  • Love cave
  • Fanny
  • Front bottom
  • Kebab
  • Coochie
  • Lady garden
  • Silken/velvet nest/folds
  • Gash
  • Bearded clam
  • C*** (can’t even bring myself to type it!)

  • Third leg
  • Junior and
    his twin brothers
  • prick
  • Hard
  • Fun stick
  • One eyed monster
  • Dick
  • Dong
  • Love pump/stick/handle
  • Cock
  • Willy (that one has me giggling every time!)
Euphemisms are OK but get it right for goodness sake! What’s acceptable are usually words that can be read without laughing (or flinching) ie member, shaft, manhood. For a woman it’s: folds, core, heat etc. 

But that’s my opinion as a reader, as a writer of erotic fiction I’m certainly no expert!

The fact
is, I want to include a bit of how’s-your-father in my books. I want to learn
how to write sexy novels! And I’m jealous of those who can!

To write juicy scenes I’m told it’s best to delve outside of what you already experience as the norm. People read for escapism, so we must use our creative brain cells to dig deep: break taboos and recreate sexual fantasies that we’d otherwise be too shy to ask our partner about. 

So what are your thoughts on the subject? Can sex scenes in books be well written?