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If (some) indie authors were car dealers.

Here’s an offer you can’t refuse!
If YOU, yes, you, tell everyone about my fabulous cars {please tweet/blog about my god-damn awful book} I’ll take you for FREE 600 mile spin {I’ve made the book free so you have no excuse not to read it}, but you must tell your friends how fab the drive is along those long, dreary, no-sign-of life-anywhere, roads {there’s no plot, just endless waffle}.
I know there are a few silly faults {typos} (broken wing mirror etc, but nothing that will ruin your enjoyment of driving), so I’d like to put it out there that if someone knows of someone who can fix cars for free, {please edit my 600-paged book for free} I will personally put their name in the window of my shop, which will bring them potentially LOTS of clients especially as I’ll tell all my customers how fabulously you fixed them. I can’t be fairer than that, can I?
My cars are special. You won’t find a Mini, Fiat or a Range Rover, but a mismatch of each and every car the world over so one size fits all! {The genre is mixed: romance, horror, crime, suitable from birth to 100, has a mix of comedy and noire. Oh, and bondage, and don’t forget the vampire!}.
I’ve cleaned each and every car myself because I can’t afford staff, but hey, I have a degree in cleaning so it’s all good {I uploaded my own photos}. Anyway, I’ve have no complaints so far, all my friends and family think they are beautiful cars. 
But oh, and when I asked for advice on the colour of one of my cars, I didn’t expect people to hurt my feelings {not interested in hearing the truth}. That was mean. I LOVE the yellow and brown and think it compliments the red polka dots stickers perfectly {really awful cover photo-shopped cover}

And I KNOW the steering is wonky in all of the cars, which sends them from one side of the road to the other, but that’s part of their charm! {Mixed POV. Even the cat has its own storyline.}

So, open to you, who wants the privilege of reviewing/mending my cars? {read and tell me it’s the best thing since, like, ever!}

The offer is there for one week only so hurry or you could miss out!!
The offer has been extended for a MONTH!